The Color Blue
by Finn21
Summary: Haley thinks about her marriage with Nathan and it’s consequences. Complete!
1. Part 1

**Title:** The Color Blue  
  
**Author:** Ashley   
  
**Rated:** PG  
  
**Summary:** Haley thinks about her marriage with Nathan and it's consequences.  
  
**Author's Note:** So this was going to be a short one parter. Just sort of came up with it on a whim, and so I hope you all like it. Although I'd be willing to continue it if people want me to ;)  
  
**  
Part one**  
  
It was the little things about being married that made everything else just a little bit more difficult, as Haley was now coming to realize. Like having to clean up all of Nathan's clothes off the floor every day because he refused to. Or not being able to get any semblance of homework done, because he wouldn't stop nibbling at the back of her neck, that one little sensitive spot he just knew melted her into a puddle of goo. Or even coming home to Nathan's apartment after a long day working at the café, to find 10 of the Raven's basketball players and their girlfriends just hanging out.  
  
Haley knew there was going to be changes, things she was going to have to deal with once her and Nathan were married. She wasn't as naive as to think it would all just magically stay the same. Although, as the little things grew more frequent, like his incessant need to leave everything and anything messy, the more it began to grate on her nerves.   
  
It was bad enough she'd spent a large portion of the past three months lying through her teeth every single day to both her parents, and her friends. But the one person she could talk to about it, the one person that was always there to talk her through things when she got frazzled was two towns away in Charleston.  
  
Some days, when things got too difficult with her and Nathan, when they fought a little more than usual, and Peyton was out with Brooke, and Karen was busy with the café, on days like those, God did she miss Lucas something fierce. Just having someone that knew you inside and out, that you could talk to about anything, complain, whine, bitch and moan, they wouldn't care, they'd just be there. And as much as she would like to say she could, she just couldn't do those things with Nathan. Sure she could tell him about her crappy day at work, or the evil cow who stepped in front of her at the grocery store, or even the nonstop nagging her mother always seemed to be smothering her with, when she actually was home.  
  
But what she couldn't talk about Nathan with was Nathan. Peyton was around for those random arguments that they always got into, but she could never really tell her friend the reason behind the argument. _Nathan thinks that just because we're married, I can stay with him whenever he wants, like my mother isn't already at my throat for a million other things._  
  
There way no way she could just come out and say that, and so everything about her Nathan had to be spun a little differently. And that killed her, because if anything ,Haley was not a liar. She hated doing it, especially to the people she cared about and loved. It made her feel sick inside because, the more she found herself doing it, the easier it became.  
  
And she started to wonder if this whole marriage was such a bright idea after all. Of course she loved Nathan, sometimes she couldn't think straight she loved him so much. Yet, the more she thought about it, she didn't know if she was willing to continue to hurt her friends, family, and herself for a marriage that neither of them, honestly, had really thought through.  
  
Internally she kicked herself at the thought. It was stupid to think such things. Of course her and Nathan had made the right decision. Just because things get tough, just because it's not as easy as you thought it would be, doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. And plus, she was never one to give up so easily. Yeah, sure she could feel some distance between them sometimes, but it was only now and then, when Dan would show up here or there and give Nathan hard time. Or when she was really burnt out from work, and didn't feel like making love that night. Most of the time they were like Ozzy and Harriot, perfectly intune with each other and their needs.  
  
Mostly Haley loved the moments where Nathan would snuggle his head into the back of her neck in the morning. He'd just lay there quietly for a few minutes, his eyes still shut, and he would rub his lips softly against the silky smooth skin at the nape of her neck. It calmed her and winded her up at the same time, and after enough of his ministrations she would spin around in the arms he had placed around her waste and she would kiss him roughly just the way he liked. It was a give and take sort of ritual for them. Nathan would start off sweet and soft and slow, until Haley couldn't stand it any longer and pushed him to speed things up, until it was intense and passionate and they were both on fire. But it was perfect.   
  
Those mornings they spent in bed together for hours, when all the rest of the world just fell away, it was like their own private island.  
  
"I love you so much," he would whisper into her ear, as he laid beside her on the bed, both of their bodies tangled up in the sheets, the afternoon sun unable to come through the closed slits on the shades.  
  
Haley would smile at him, run her hand up over his bare chest, feeling the taut skin, the hard muscle underneath until she found the soft sharpness of his jaw-line. She would cup the side of his face and bring it closer to her own and she would smile at him, the kind of smile only he got to see. "I love you," she would say back, and then lean her head up off his shoulder to crush her lips to his before they started the whole thing all over again.  
  
Sometimes it all felt like a huge dream, looking back at it now. Where had they gone in the past few weeks? Where had the Nathan and Haley gone who used to spend long mornings together in bed, and long nights out on the beach? What had happened to them?  
  
It almost made Haley want to cry at the thought that this was happening to them. That they were deteriorating just like Dan and Deb, just like all those cynics out there in the world who didn't believe in marriage let alone young marriage, said they would. It infuriated her, and made her want to fight, fight for Nathan, and for them. They weren't the kind of couple that could be so easily discarded. She had faith in the both of them. And if she had to, she would fight for them all by herself, everyone else be damned!  
  
Haley hadn't meant to get herself so worked up, thinking about all of this. She knew that a lot of it was probably just needless worry in her head. Nathan loved her, and she loved him and that's all that mattered.  
  
So when she saw him come through the front door that night, a sheen of sweat covering his whole body from the workout he'd just gotten through, she jumped up from her spot on the couch and ran into his arms. Usually she would have waited until he cleaned off, the sliminess of his sweat not quite as attractive when it was on her instead of him. This time she didn't care, she just wanted to be near him.  
  
"Hey there," she beamed, smacking her mouth against his desperately.   
  
He pulled back for a moment to search her eyes, to see why she'd suddenly been too eager to greet him. "Hey yourself," he half smiled. His arms growing heavy at the weight of his gym bag on his shoulder and his wife in his hands. He gave her another quick peck and set her down in front of him. He turned and threw his gym bag into the corner out of the way and then started to make his way back toward the shower, pulling his shirt off as he went. Haley watched him as he went, and sort of expected him to invite her along, but he didn't.   
  
And so she went back to the couch by herself. For a while she sat in silence, the only audible sound was the sprinkling of the shower water as it pelted against the ceramic of the tub. Tears filled in her eyes involuntarily, yet she refused to let them fall. She had to stay strong. She had to be the rock. She had to fight.   
  
The problem was, she didn't know if she wanted too anymore.


	2. Part 2

 So I'm just relaxing and hanging out today so I figured I'd update again, because I'm actually having fun writing this so far. You know me and angst. We love each other so. Anyway, thank you all for the loverly feedback. You know it's my weakness, so I really apperciate it!! Now on to Part dos.  
  
**Part Two**

He could feel her slipping away from him. He could feel it in his bones, and that's what scared him the most. Nathan wasn't the kind of person to just give up on something because it was difficult, Hell, if that was true then the two of them never would've even gotten to know each other in the first place. He would've just walked away from her that first time he went into the tutoring center and she had boldly told him that _no_ she couldn't help him, because Lucas was her friend. But he hadn't quit then, and he didn't want to quit now.  
  
He didn't know if he could fight for this though, whatever this was that was wedging itself between them. It would've been easier if it had been some guy that she liked. He could've dealt with that. But this, this nothingness that stood between them lately and swallowed up the silence. Well it was consuming.  
  
Part of him knew that being married was going to be difficult, he'd seen his parents' marriage and how much trouble they went through daily. He saw his grandparents marriage's on both of his parent's sides and knew that they fought sometimes. Everybody did.  
  
This was different though. They'd moved passed the little petty arguments, passed the yelling, passed the not talking to each other for days, passed it all. Now there was just this quietness, this looming dread that they knew it was about to end. And the sad thing was, they hadn't even gotten to tell anybody about it yet.  
  
It had been a mutual decision at first to keep it secret. They wanted to wait until everything was settled, until they were comfortable with the marriage, had gotten to spend sometime together in happiness before the inevitable explosion that would come from their parents, and everyone else they'd lied to.  
  
So they had let weeks pass by, then months, and they still had only told one person, and that was Lucas. It made it difficult to live with, not being able tell people something that made him so incredibly happy. He'd welcome sharing it with Lucas if he could. Maybe his older brother could be some source of comfort, even if they were still just getting to know each other. It would be somebody to talk too at least.  
  
Usually Nathan liked to keep things to himself, he wasn't much of a share-your-feelings kind of guy, but now that him and Haley were stuck in this silence, this quiet darkness that held them close enough together but far enough apart, he needed some advice. Badly.  
  
He felt like every new decision he made in their relationship, every new corner he turned was just digging them farther into the proverbial ditch. Like walking away from her embrace just then, and into this cold shower by himself. When he walked through the door from one of the most strenuous workout his body had ever taken and she jumped up into his arms, it felt like everything was going to be ok again. When she smiled at him, and pressed her lips up to his, he could feel his heart beat faster in his chest. He loved the feel of her body molded into his, her mouth against his mouth. It was how he wanted to spend the rest of his life, no matter how cheesy or corny it sounded to everyone else. He'd spent way too much time worrying about what other people thought to let that detract him now, when everything he wanted was in his arms.  
  
Yet, why didn't he feel fulfilled then? He was happy with Haley, and he was pretty sure she was happy with him. They didn't make sense by themselves, but together, together they made sense, and that's all Nathan needed or wanted to know. So he couldn't think about anything else. He wouldn't.  
  
Letting the droplets of water from the showerhead rain down upon his face, washing his body clean, Nathan wondered again why he hadn't asked Haley to join him in his shower. It's not like he didn't want her, he did, pretty much every hour of the day. When they were together like that, was the only time he didn't wonder about all the crap that was falling apart between them.  
  
Thing was, he hated when she looked at him with those sad eyes of hers, like she was getting ready to apologize, or maybe say goodbye. It killed him a little every time.  
  
Once he was out of the shower and finished drying himself he slipped on an old pair of shorts and a loose fitting T-shirt. As he opened the bathroom door he could faintly hear the t.v. in the living room being shut off.   
  
It was so quiet in his apartment then, so still, and he hated it. It reminded him of the first night he'd spent there alone, only a bed and the darkness there to keep him company. He'd thought about a lot of things that night, about his life, about Haley, about Lucas. It was when he'd come to realize how much everything had changed in the course of seven months. How one little event, like Lucas joining the team could affect everything else.   
  
And now he was here, in the dark of his room sitting on the edge of his bed, alone again. He wasn't really alone though. Haley was waiting for him on the couch. Waiting to talk to him, or be with him, he wasn't sure. But she was waiting.  
  
Slowly, Nathan pushed himself off the bed, and walked down the hallway that lead to the front room. On the corner of his couch, legs bent together with her hands folded neatly in her lap sat Haley. His Haley. And God she looked so alone as well.  
  
She smiled up at him uneasily when he came into the room, her body stiff with pain. Nathan began to step his way toward her quietly, gulping back an unneeded breath of air as he sat down beside her. His weight causing the cushion to bend down farther, making Haley involuntarily lean into him. For a minute they didn't say or do anything, just stared out into the emptiness. When Nathan couldn't take it any longer, he moved to grab the t.v. remote control. He needed the sound, something to break the silence. However, Haley's hand on his arm stopped him from picking it up.  
  
He turned his head toward hers, his forehead crinkled up in that cute way that always meant he was confused. She wanted to giggle at him a little, run her hand down the side of his face and kiss him so that it would smooth out, and go away.  
  
Instead her eyes flashed down to her hands resting in her lap, as her finger continued to fiddle and move about.  
  
"I can't stay here tonight," she spoke softly, deliberately. Her face was set forward, while Nathan stared down at her.  
  
"Ok," he shrugged, not sure of what else to do. And that hurt Haley more than she would've like to admit. He was trying to be sweet, let her do what she had to do, but right now she needed reassurance from him. He used to pout and mope around every time she said she couldn't stay with him. Then they'd argue and she'd explain that if her mother found out where she was, they'd have to tell her the truth.  
  
Right now she wished they had just told everyone the truth, from the very beginning. Maybe that would've saved them both a world of hurt. As it stood now, Haley didn't know what Nathan wanted any more then he did and that frightened her, because Nathan always knew what he wanted. He knew what he wanted and he went for it. But he wasn't doing it anymore with them.  
  
"Yeah, so I should probably go then," she moved off the couch and into the kitchen where her purse was.  
  
Nathan observed as she collected her things quietly. How many times had he just let her walk away from him? How many times had he just sat by and watched her leave? To many to count.  
  
And now here he was doing it again. People really don't change, he thought, as he looked at her go to the door.  
  
"So I'll talk to you tomorrow then," she asked, as if she didn't already know the answer.  
  
"Sure," Nathan responded with a nod, his mouth turned up into a tight-lipped smile. Haley turned and smiled back at him the same, before she disappeared behind the door and was gone.


	3. Part 3

Thanks for the feedback you guys, I really appreciate it. Keep it up ok!  
  
**  
Part 3**  
  
It's Friday afternoon before they see each other again and their meeting is somehow awkward. It feels unnatural for things to be this tense between them, this rigid. Yet they can't seem to escape it lately.  
  
Nathan had been thinking about her all morning, hadn't gotten anything remotely productive done, and felt like a complete waste. What he didn't know was that she'd been thinking about him too. Was thinking about him the exact moment she'd run into him actually. So when they did bump into each other coming outside of Karen's café, it sort of blind-sided both of them in a way that they hadn't expected.  
  
"Hi," she said first, as she let the door shut behind her, still managing to stay close to it.  
  
Nathan could tell she seemed somewhat apprehensive, and he's not sure if it's because of their meeting or just his presence in general. His body tenses up. "I thought you weren't working today," he replied and squinted his eyes when the 3 o'clock sun bends and flares out at his face.  
  
"I wasn't. Just saying hi to Karen, asking about Lucas and stuff," she spoke softly, moving to the side of the staircase, as another customer came out the door.  
  
Nathan stuck his hands in his short pockets, shuffled his feet nervously. "So how is he?"  
  
Haley let out a little giggle at his question. Nathan's way to seeming nonchalant is just to act like he just doesn't care, when she knows he really does. She thinks about calling him out on it, but decides against it in the end. No need to cause added stress to their already fragile situation. Whatever, situation means anyway.  
  
"Pretty good. A little homesick, but I guess he's adjusting. He made friends with the next-door neighbor apparently. I think Karen's still trying to convince him to come home," she sort of half laughed at the thought of her surrogate mother trying to coerce Lucas into coming home, her hints here and there about people missing him. She hopes that he'll listen to her. Hopes that, for all their sakes and not just Karen's.  
  
Nathan could see that her chuckle was a desperate sort of laugh, the kind that stills in your throat and stays there because it has nowhere else to go. He hated seeing her so miserable without Lucas, like a part of her was missing or something. He wished he could be enough for her, or at least make it better on occasion.  
  
"He'll be back eventually. He just needs time to cool down. Get away from all this Tree Hill drama," Nathan reassures her, although he's not entirely positive if it's the truth.  
  
She smiles at him in response to his effort and the void between them closes a little bit, for the first time in two weeks.  
  
'Wait a minute, why are you here," Haley shakes herself away from Nathan's face and the distraction of his smile, and remembers that he was going in the café as she was coming out. Not a regular occurrence for him either.  
  
"I was hungry," he shrugs in half-truth. She knows when he's deflecting to make it seem like he's indifferent about how he feels for Lucas and so she glares back at him, her mouth curved up and waiting.  
  
"And I wanted to see how he was doing," he finished with a guilty sigh, irritated at how hard it is to keep anything from her, even the tiniest of little things. There's really no chance of saving face now.  
  
"See I knew you cared," she poked him in the side and he smiles.  
  
"Yeah you caught me," he replied, his voice laced with sarcasm. So she shakes her head and giggles, as he watches her. The sunlight cascading off her shiny hard, her sparkling eyes, her pink lips, and for probably the thousandth time that week he realizes just how beautiful she really is. Not the kind that people throw around casually in a conversation, or the kind that the magazines label movie stars, the real kind of beautiful, the kind of beautiful that aches inside your heart it's so remarkable.  
  
They both stand there in silence for a moment, Nathan staring at her staring at a solitary leaf floating down on the sidewalk. And again it's awkward. But more so than that, it feels lonely. Neither of them saying what they really want to say, out of fear, or pride, or resentment, or maybe all three.  
  
Haley can feel Nathan's eyes on her in the silence, and she keeps thinking about what they said to each other the night they became husband and wife. No regrets, they'd said, and had meant at the time. Still do mean it most of the time. Although the words have taken on a different definition now.   
  
And so has their relationship.  
  
"Are you busy later," Haley asked as she twirled the strap of her purse around her pointer finger. She forced her eyes up to Nathan's and he shakes his head.  
  
"No. Do you want to come over," his voice is more desperate than he would like it to sound. Funny how she always brings out the most extreme of emotions in him, more than anyone else. He figures it's a fair trade off though, being vulnerable, but being loved. Many people think they would pick that option over the latter, however when it comes down to it most would rather be alone. It's not very poetic to think about, he figures, but people as a whole hate to feel weak. And as much as you feel strong while you're in love, you end up feeling twice as weak when it's all said and done. It's a feeling you can grow to get used to though, if you love someone enough.   
  
Haley sucks in a breath of air, her own eyes wide and big as she forces herself to meet Nathan's. " I think we should talk about…. some things," she spoke more confidently this time, as if she'd been wanting to have this conversation for a while.  
  
Her words cause a lump to form in Nathan's throat, but he remains calm and cool on the outside. One of the many behavior's he learned from his father, something he's rather grateful for, right now.   
  
"Yeah. Whatever you want," he through out casually.  
  
Haley held back the remark that stood at the tip of her tongue. She hated when he acted so blasé about their marriage, about their relationship, like he didn't care. Inwardly she knew he did care, or he wouldn't make the time to see her tonight. Still, she couldn't help but feel a little hurt that he didn't seem more concerned about what she wanted to talk about. She supposed that was one of things she could bring up when they did talk. Maybe he'd really listen this time, and things would get resolved.   
  
"I'll see you at seven then," she asked, reaching out and running her hand along his cheek. He grabbed onto it softly and pulled her closer to him so that he could place his lips against her gently. They stood together under the warmth of the sun and held each other, letting their lips and hands hold onto to what they could for as long as possible. When the moment passed, Haley pulled back slowly as Nathan whispered in her ear.  
  
"See you at seven," he answered, and let her hand fall from his as she stepped to the side of him, her hips swaying gracefully as she made it down the concrete stairs to the sidewalk below. He stood motionless, and watched her walk all the way down the street and turn the corner onto Hudson, before he moved again, his stomach clenched into knots, and his breathing a little less even now that she wasn't with him anymore.


	4. Part 4

**Thanks for the reviews guys. You rock. Big hugs for all!**

**Part 4**

He'd been fine at 6:30. He'd sat in front of the t.v. and played NBA Shootout 2003 on his Playstation like every other night. He tried not to think about her or the impending conversation they were going to have, and just focused his mind on the digital Shaq in front of him. It had worked well, until he looked at the clock again and saw that it read 7:02, and she wasn't at home yet. That's when he started to get restless, started to pace more than usual, felt the need to get a glass of water, and then another. He turned off the Playstation, began flipping channels, couldn't find anything remotely entertaining and so decided to just turn off the t.v. completely.

At 7:15 he snatched up his cell-phone to make sure he hadn't missed any calls in the last hour. There was one from his mom at 2:36, and one from Tim at 5:15, but nothing from Haley. He considered calling her, asking where the Hell she was, but realized at his current state right now talking to her on the phone like an angry housewife, might just make things worse rather than better. He set the phone down and paced some more, walked back to his bedroom and looked around. His clothes were strewn about everywhere, but in the hamper. His bed was unmade and the sheets were wrinkled. There was nothing of interest to him in his bedroom when he was alone, so he went back out into the front. In the kitchen he noticed how the dishes were piled up in the sink and there was a distinct smell of sour milk coming from somewhere beneath the tower. He considered doing them and shuddered. He went back to the couch.

"Sorry I'm late," Haley said an instant later, when she breezed through his door, obviously looking a little worse for wear and out of breath. "My Dad said I could use the car tonight, but he didn't get off work until late."

"It's cool," he said like it was no big deal and wondered when he'd reverted back to this stage of irreverence to her.

She didn't seem to notice his indifference too much though. At least she didn't lead him to believe she was bothered by it. Instead she went over and set her bag on top of the kitchen counter, her eyes grazing over the dirty kitchen sink, the untouched dishes, the random clothes scattered over the sofa, and she winced.

"So what did you do today," she simply asked and went into the small kitchen, began picking the dishes and placing them in the sink, giving him her annoyed look as she proceeded to pick up his mess, right in front of him, while he sat on the couch.

Nathan watched her do this, and tried not to be frustrated that the first thing she did when she came in was go straight for the mess, as apposed to him.

"Uh, went to the gym, played some ball with Tim, nothin' much," he shifted in his seat uncomfortably, stared at the back of her head as she nodded in acknowledgment. "You?"

"Ran some errands for my Mom, and did laundry. Which by the way, you need to do."

"I know," he slumped back into the sofa. He didn't want to talk about things they needed to get done. It was boring, and no matter how much cleaning you did, there was always more the next day. So what was the point really? He'd just rather leave it for later.

"I think you ran out of detergent to, so you should pick some up."

"Ok," he nodded again, and she could feel her eye beginning to twitch. Every time she brought up anything remotely having to do with his apartment, he decided to take a private vacation to Disneyland inside his brain. She knew for the most part Nathan was a responsible guy, at least that's what she'd seen of him in the time that they'd been together. But lately, even the mention of doing minor tasks, caused him to check out completely. It was irritating beyond comprehension.

"Or I could pick it up. It doesn't really matter," she offered, giving him some leeway, hoping that maybe that would perk him up. She turned to him, and waited for him to answer, but he wasn't really listening.

He didn't want to talk to her if all she was going to continue to do was bombard him with more of her chores. He was starting to feel like she was more of his mother than his wife, and no 16 year old male, married or not, should ever feel that way about his significant other. It was starting to mess with his head.

"Ok," he answered again, his eyes fixated on the blank t.v. screen before him.

"I think you should call the Super as well, because the bathroom sink is clogging up again, and it's really gross," she didn't like having to makes lists for Nathan. She never asked to be the adult in their relationship, but Nathan refused to do any of these things, which either left her to do it, or asking him to do it.

"Alright," he groaned, irritated and ready for this conversation to be over.

"Will you do it tomorrow," she prodded some more, wanting to make sure it would really get done.

"I said I would, didn't I," he snapped at her unconsciously, and she stopped what she was doing in the kitchen. She threw the dishtowel she was holding on the counter and came up to him on the couch. Her mouth was tight, and her eyes were tired.

"Yeah, you said you would last time too Nathan, but it never got done."

He sat up on the couch and waved his arms out restlessly. "Jesus Haley! It's not the end of the world if the sink doesn't get unclogged this week."

She stepped back at his outburst, not out of fear, but shock. "Why are you getting so upset?"

"Because! You ask me everything five times and it's annoying as Hell," he answered, his voice a little softer, but the anger in his face was still prevalent.

Haley picked up on it quickly, but didn't let it deter her. She had a purpose for the reason she asked them these things. It's not like she got any joy out of talking about detergent and congested bathroom sinks.

"Well I only ask you five times, because otherwise it won't get done."

Nathan rolled his eyes, and stood up, walking around her. "It's not like I have all day to sit around and do this shit. I've got other things to do," he emulated, like he was the most important person in the room.

"What, and I don't? Just because I don't play basketball doesn't mean I'm not busy either."

"I didn't say you weren't."

"Yeah but that's what you meant right," she challenged, and he turned to her, defiance written all over his body. He hated when she said things like that to him. Mostly because he didn't have any retort to it. She had hit him right on the nose. She was right, and he had nothing to say.

"Whatever, forget I even said anything," he tried to brush her off, and began heading back to his bedroom.

Haley couldn't believe his audacity to just walk away from their argument like that. Did he really not care anymore? Was that what it had come down too now? When he was tired of talking he would just walk out of the room? It made Haley sick to her stomach to think that this was what they had turned into.

"Nathan!" She called out to him, and he stopped. At first she thought he might lash out at her again but, he didn't his body was drained, and so was his head. He couldn't do this, not anymore. He wouldn't.

"I'm not gonna stand here and fight with you all night," he stated, his voice quiet but clear.

Haley's throat constricted for the second time that day, her body tensing up. She hated when he talked to her like that. As if everything felt pointless because there was nothing worth saving between them.

"I don't want to fight with you Nathan. I just want a straight answer. I feel like all we do lately is ignore each other or try to act polite. What does it mean?"

Nathan shrugged, and turned. "Maybe it doesn't mean anything Haley. Why are you being so dramatic?"

"Why are you pretending nothing's wrong here," she blew out at him, amazed that he could so easily brush aside all of their obvious problems. It was such a Scott thing to do, and she knew to well were that lead.

"I'm not," he argued at her question. "I'm just saying, if we don't make _this_ into something big then it won't be," he pointed between them.

Haley treaded to him down the hall until she was standing in front of him, but she didn't reach out to him like she usually would. Stood close enough to feel his warmth and that was all. She lowered her voice and caught his eyes with hers. "No, that's called avoidance Nathan, and denial, and it only makes things worse."

Completely resigned, Nathan stepped back until he was near the wall and rested his head against it, closing his eyes in defeat, not sure what she wanted from him. He sighed long and heavy. "What do you want me to do Haley, because I'm at a loss here? Everything I'm saying is wrong, so why are you even asking me?"

She lowered her head, looked down at her feet, feeling just as small and lost. "I don't have the answeres either you know? I wish I did."

"So are you angry because I don't have the answers, or you don't," he asked her, staring down at her.

Haley shook her head. Could feel a cry ready to burst out of her throat, but choked it back. "I don't—I'm not angry Nathan."

"Then what are you Haley? Tell me please," he asked. He reached out slowly and ran his finger tips along her arm, first touching the fabric of her T-shirt, until he moved his hand farther down till reached her skin.

Involuntarily she leaned into his touch, so that she was lightly resting her head against his chest. Her arms where stiff at her side, even though she wanted to wrap them around him. She knew if she gave in completely, let herself fall into him, that then she really would cry. And she couldn't let herself do that. Because when he asked her why she was so upset, she wouldn't have a real reply for him, she wouldn't have a solution.

"I don't know. I just.....I don't know," was her only answer.

Nathan stayed still waiting for something else, some revelation or epiphany to happen to him, that would help him solve all of his problems and make everything better. It never came though, like he knew it wouldn't, and so he dropped his hand from Haley's arm, and pulled her body into his until he could rest his chin on top of her head. He listened to her breathing and felt her arms begin to come around his middle after a few minutes. Heard soft sobs break from her mouth and felt her tears wet his shirt. He thought about what would happen tomorrow and the day after that, and what it might bring. He tried to focus on some kind of resolution, but found he couldn't find one. So he came back to the reality he was in, and held his wife tightly in his arms, thought about telling her how much he loved her. But didn't. He figured some things, some times, were better off not said.


	5. Part 5

**Part Five**__

--The Ocean flows gently, my child. It is a deep well between you and I.--__

_She was an older lady, somewhere in her early seventies. You could tell by the withering wrinkles around her eyes and mouth, the ivory stripes throughout her hair. She was a very regal woman, always classy on the outside, with an inner warmth ever present on the inside. It was the reason Haley admired her grandmother above all her other family members. Her Grandma Lou didn't let the little things get under her skin, she figured everyone else spent so much time worrying about them, that they could more than cover her share. Haley liked to think that in her short life, she'd been able to pick up some of her kin's grace, hold it close and display the same kind of poise when things around her got tough. She learned just how much her grandmother meant to her that one fateful day._

_It was her ninth birthday. Not a particularly special year by any means, but still an important day to the person who it belongs to. Haley remembered that her parents had promised to take her sailing on a friends yacht for the first time, just the three of them. No sisters or brothers or distractions, and for an occupant of the James household, that was an event to revere._

_Everything was set in place that morning, the homemade birthday cake was finishing baking in the oven, the sparse decorations of purple and green streamers and balloons were set up throughout the plain living room. The presents wrapped in old Christmas wrapping paper (used to save money) from last year were laid out on the kitchen table. Haley herself was finishing putting on her best skirt, only worn on very special occasions when her mother asked her to get out of her lovable jeans and tomboyish t-shirts and shoes, when she heard a loud thunderous crash from outside in the back yard._

_Everybody ran out all at once in a huge crowd. At first Haley had to push her way through, being the smallest, but when she got up front she saw the tragedy right before her eyes. Her two oldest brothers, Derek and Kyle were laying in a mangled heap under their tree house 20 feet above._

_They'd gotten the bright idea about five minutes earlier to try bungee jumping with one their dad's old shop ropes. Derek was going to hold the rope, while Kyle wrapped it around himself and took a flying leap off the tree house. Except, like most of her brothers' not so brilliant plans, as soon as Kyle jumped, Derek came forward with him, causing them both to fall 20 feet to the ground._

_Haley's mother was in a frantic state if hysteria telling her father to 'call an ambulance', 'get the car', 'help them up!' Phillip James, calm and collected as always went over to his moaning sons and asked them what hurt. He told Melissa, Haley's oldest sister to call their grandmother to come over, they had to take the boys to the hospital to get them checked out._

_"But what---what about sailing, Daddy," Haley asked, as Phillip grabbed his car keys off the banister._

_"We'll do it another day sweetie, I promise," he patted her on the back and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead._

_"But it's my birthday to today. Mommy? I want to go sailing today, it's my birthday," Haley ran after her mother, as the older woman got into the car with her brothers laying out in the backseat._

_"Not today Haley. We have to make sure your brothers are alright. You want your brothers to be alright, don't you?"_

_"Yes," she spoke meekly, tears bursting up in her eyes._

_"Then be a big girl and go help your grandmother take the cake out of the oven so it doesn't burn. We'll be back to open presents later," she said with a sympathetic smile, and then hastily closed the car door shut._

_Haley watched her parents drive down the street and disappear, tears falling freely now that she was all alone. Her other brothers and sisters tried to get her to come back inside, but she refused. Choosing instead to sit on the porch by herself sullen and heartbroken over her ruined birthday._

_"Are you going to stay out here all night long," a soft-aged remark came from behind her on the porch. Every time she spoke her Grandmother's voice sounded like two feathers lightly brushing together, a rhythmical cadence. It was lovely and usually rather calming. This time Haley wouldn't let her grandmother's presence deter her from her anger though._

_"Yes," she stamped out, her mouth curved up into a petulant frown. She felt as if she'd been abandoned, and left out on her own birthday no less. Life seemed unfairly cruel, and she wasn't up to pretending to be ok with it all, no matter how much her parents and her grandmother wanted her to._

_Grandma Lou stood above Haley, and ran a soft hand over her hair. "May I join you then," she asked, and Haley looked up at her, her eyes wide and brimming with unshed tears, all she could do was nod._

_"Chin up my little darling," the older woman said, taking a seat beside her and hooking her hand under Haley's chin. " Things will be better in the morning."_

_"You always say that," Haley grimaced, and turned away, staring forward into space._

_"Because it's always true," Grandma Lou countered._

_"Not this time," Haley replied. "Not on my birthday."_

_She didn't mean to be such a pill, especially not to her grandmother, who she so dearly loved, and who in all respect had nothing to do with the catastrophe that was now her birthday. It was just so infuriating, that on the one day of the year that was supposed to be hers, the one day that wasn't about Derek or Kyle, or Michael or Melissa or any of her other siblings, had ended up being just exactly that: a day all about them. It wasn't fair. She felt she had a right to pout and as much as she wanted to. She felt she had the right to cry as well, even though the tears refused to fall from her red rimmed eyes. She knew it was her privilege to cry in spite of everything that had happened and would happen later._

_Because there wouldn't be a party now. Haley would open her presents tomorrow of course, and eat a slice of cake and everyone would smile and try to pretend it was the same. But there would be no singing or celebrating, and there would definitely be no sailing. It wasn't the same._

_Yes, she definitely had the right to cry. Even if her tears were being stubborn. Angrily Haley wiped at her face and Grandma Lou ran a hand through her hair again._

_"Come here," the older woman patted at her lap, and Haley glanced at it for a second. "Come on, hop up on my lap."_

_Haley did as she was told, snuggling into her Grandmother's embrace, laying her head upon her shoulder and taking a deep breath in. Grandma Lou rubbed her back soothingly, her heart beating slowly and comforting against Haley's ear._

_"There you go," she said once Haley had finally adjusted. "Now I'm going to let you in on a little secret, just between you and me, alright?"_

_Haley stayed silent and still, waiting for her grandmother's words of wisdom. It was a rarity when her grandmother would share things, and Haley always remembered to listen to her when she did._

_The older woman connected her gaze with the younger girl."Life is not perfect my darling," she stated, tried and true, with conviction. "It's rough, and it takes all you've got to live everyday through it. You'll have many sad moments and many happy moments. But it's worth it. You have to remember to cherish the pain just as much as the joy. Because that's all we really have you know; our memories and our love. I know you don't believe me now, but you will. In time you will. And if ever you forget, remember to hold onto what really matters. Find that space inside your heart that never loses hope."_

_Her voice was almost a whisper now, and Haley could feel herself lulled into quiet peace. Her grandmother paused and then stretched her arm out._

_"See those trees over there," she pointed to a group of large oaks across the street from Haley's yard. The large branches were swaying back and forth in the warm evening wind. Its leaves brushing together like the sound of salt shakers being shook._

_"See how they're blowing in the wind," Grandma Lou asked and Haley nodded. "Watch them for a minute. Really watch them . . . Do they make you feel calm?"_

_Haley kept her eyes focused on the trees leaves and how they flowed, rushed together and then parted again. "I guess," she said, unsure of what she was supposed to be feeling. She pulled her head away from her grandmother's shoulder and looked up at her. Her face was settled into a serene peacefulness, as her eyes followed the same leaves Haley had just been looking at._

_"I love the trees. They're just so beautiful. Mystical. . . Everyone has their own special place they go when the world gets to tough. Someday you'll find yours my little darling. I know you will . . . _

Haley blinked her eyes open and closed. She'd been zoning out for the last half an hour, staring at the same spot on Nathan's floor, not really asleep, but not really awake either. She could still feel his arms wrapped around her body as they lay mushed together on his couch.

She tried to put together how they had managed to get from the hallway, back out of the living room, to his couch and fallen asleep. It was all a big long blur from the moment the tears had begun to seep out of her face like a never-ending reservoir. She supposed that Nathan had probably carried her there and laid down beside her for just a moment, probably falling into slumber with her as well.

Thoughts had been rapidly running through her head as she's laid there with insomnia. No new solutions coming to her mind. No hew revelations. Just the feel of Nathan's arm around her body and how nice that felt.

The room they were in was full of light now and by looking at her watch she could see that it was getting rather late into the morning. She turned slowly on her side, and could feel Nathan's even breaths stop, his eyes flicker open and the shut as he tried to bring himself back to the waking world.

"How long have you been awake," he asked, his voice husky, his hand rubbing at his eyes. Haley always thought he looked the most beautiful in the morning. His hair all a mess on top of his head, his eyes heavy. It was just him. The real Nathan, the one she loved.

"Awhile," she answered and pushed herself up into a sitting position, when Nathan had pulled his arms way from around her. She was saddened when his arms left her. She felt like a part of her wasn't complete when he wasn't touching her.

"You should've woken me up," he said, and finally connected his gaze with hers.

Haley slightly shrugged. "I like how you hold me when you're asleep," she glanced away, somewhat embarrassed by the truth of the statement. And Nathan didn't know what to say.

"Haley . . . ," he began but trailed off.

"What?"

She waited for him to go on, their bodies jumbled together on a small couch, but more far apart than two bodies could be. Her heart lurched inside her chest and she thought maybe he would finally have an answer to all of their problems.

"I don't know what I was going to say," he simply replied and she felt that old familiar feeling crawl back into her chest.

"Well, um, I have to work in a couple of hours so I should probably go," she began and swung her legs off the couch. She got up and started walking to her bag and jacket that still lay on the kitchen counter from the night before. She grabbed her jacket off the counter when she felt Nathan's arm gently pull the jacket away.

"Don't."

"I have to go Nathan, I have work," she went to take the jacket back, and he let her, grabbing her hands instead.

"Don't go . . . please," he pleaded with her, his voice strong but weak. Haley glanced up at his face, and away from his hands holding hers, and saw for the first time, just how serious he was. She just wasn't sure if it was enough.

She shook her head. There was so much left to figure out. It could never be done in one day. And they were fools if they thought they could. "Me staying here now, isn't going to solve anything except to get me fired from work."

"Karen would never fire you. You're like her only employee," Nathan countered with a grin, and gripped her hands morefirmly in his. He stepped closer to her, trying with his entire being to make her see how important this was to them. Howimportant_ the_y were to him.

"Nathan I—,"she began, and felt her heart break inside her chest out how his smile faded from his face when she tried to pull away. She didn't know what to do anymore. She didn't know what to say to make everything better. And she was used to being that person for him. The one that could fix what was broken.

Not being able to do that now, Nathan could see, was the hardest thing she'd ever gone through.

"I need you," Nathan said, with a kind of purity she'd only gotten from him on a few occasions. "I know I don't say it. I don't tell you how much you mean to me, how beautiful you are. How happy you make me. I know I should. Maybe that part of me is broken, I don't know," he paused, and swallowed, his throat tight and his eyes intent as he stared down at his wife. " But you have to know that you . . . you are everything to me Haley. I can't lose you."

Haley could feel tears spill onto her face at a rapid pace, her hand interlocked with Nathan's. She smiled up at him. "You're not going to lose me. You'll never lose me," she assured him, and the corners of his mouth curved up into a slight smile.

"Stay with me then," he asked and Haley knew he wasn't asking her to spend the day with him. He wanted her to be with, today, tomorrow, and forever. He was laying down his heart for her for the hundredth time since he had that very first night in her bedroom a little over a year ago. He was giving her a choice, leaving it up to her where she wanted to be, what would make her happy.

And so she nodded her head for him, because Nathan, wherever he was, was where she wanted to be.

He was who she wanted to be with.

Never letting her hands go, Nathan led the both of them back to his room, and down to his bed. He pulled Haley's body close to his and brought his hand up to wipe away the tears on her face. He placed a light kiss on her lips, letting them linger there for a second before resting his head back on the pillow beside her.

Haley stared at his face in fascination. All the lines and creases, the smooth skin, the sharpness of his jaw, and the way his eyelashes fell over his big beautiful blue eyes. It was amazing to her how she never got bored looking at him. She could do it for hours, and still be mesmerized. Especially when she looked into his eyes. The endless sea that lay within them was always so peaceful to her. It was where she felt most clam, her special place among the madness and she had found it in Nathan, her husband, just like her grandmother had told her she would so many years ago.

Deep down Haley knew there was so much between them that needed to be resolved. So much that had to be sorted out. And it would be there waiting for both of them when they got up from that bed, and walked back out to the rest of the world. If she could continue to find peace in him, in his room, in the cerulean blue of his eyes, she knew, no matter where they were or what they came across, they would both be able to survive.


End file.
